Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Still Don't Have Kids

One of my Facebook friends posted a list: 10 great reasons to have a large family. Thanks to foster care adoption, she has four children now. I think it's wonderful. I always love it when one of my friends whom I know from the infertility community triumphs in the end, usually in unexpected ways--God is good. But I'm thinking of compiling a list of the reasons to consider child-free living (I hate that term--it sounds too PC--but childlessness sounded too negative). I don't have a list now. I'm going on vacation at the end of the week, so I can get some serious thinking done then.

Meanwhile, I'm about to be an aunt again. Another niece--hooray! And yet--ouch. Why does that stupid sting of infertility never go away? I'm coming out of a depressed episode over it, but I'm picking out a thousand presents at the same time. Don't worry: Once she's here, it'll be a good thing. I just have some struggles to get through, and I'm hoping to fight through them well.

Adoption. Oh, adoption--you broke my little heart. I keep considering you out of obligation to the world or something--perhaps I feel obligated to take care of children or think I have to prove my pro-life-ness. But here's the thing: We tried adoption, and it was miserable. The agency stank, our lives were messes, the process was a nightmare. Everything fell apart. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing multiple times and expecting different results. I wish we would just put our collective foot down and say no to adoption for good. But that leads me to my next point.

Chris and I have been dealing with the fact that I feel useless. That's probably the mental illness at work, but I've got to start thinking differently. I'm not useless ... at least that's the mantra I'm uttering until I believe it. "Doctor Who" has actually made a difference: "900 years of time and space, and I've never met someone who wasn't important." Chris says his needs are simple: work an honest job, hang out with me, travel, read, go to sporting events, go to church, etc. My needs, on the other hand, seem to be a bit more complex: don't do anything that isn't useful to someone other than yourself. So I never read and I'm too nervous to go to church and I'm completely stifled by this need to be productive, so I spend all my time on the computer or asleep and I hate myself for it. So we're going on vacation, which we haven't been able to do in ages. And I'm going to enjoy it. And I'm going to eat good food (preferably without gluten and dairy, but we'll take what we can get) and soak in the Texas Hill Country and disconnect the internet and read ... maybe I won't even take the computer. The novel can wait. And I'm going to try and shake the baggage I've loaded onto myself over the years. I'll still probably need more therapy, but I've got to start somewhere. I'll adopt one day if I want a child, not for someone else's idea of the good of mankind.

That was a long paragraph. I usually don't make them so long because reading them makes me glaze over, and now here I am writing one. Sorry.

So I may or may not have a top ten list for you when I come home. And I may or may not have loosened up. We'll see.

God is good.

2 comments:

LSB said...

" . . . and I've never met someone who wasn't important." That's right, you know!

Jonelle said...

Yes, God is good...all the time!

I remember feeling like that after I got laid off from my job two years ago. I really wasn't interested in looking for another job (just the process nearly put me in panic attack mode). I remember especially feeling useless right after I had to participate in a panel at a Graduation dinner at Michael's school. Each person introduced themselves and answered the "What do you do?" question. I hated it. To vent my frustration and insecurity, I wrote this blog entry http://somewhereinthemiddlewithyou.blogspot.com/2012_02_01_archive.html

Enjoy your vacation!