It seems to me that buying adoption books is akin to most people buying a treadmill: Dust will be collected--or if it's my house, dogs will pee on things. But in the process of easing off some of my psychiatric meds, my anxiety skyrocketed (turns out those meds actually do things!). I began to get cold feet about adopting. Then things got worse: My anxiety was so bad that it began to depress me, and right now I'm in the throes of a depressed episode. With that, I'm remembering why we said we wouldn't adopt after the last adoption failed--I can't even take care of myself when I'm depressed, much less anyone else, and definitely much less anyone with special needs.
My meds make it hard for me to cry anymore, but I had a good crying spell and settled down to discuss the future with Chris. Chris wants to get through nursing school, get a job he actually likes for a change, and travel. I want to be a better aunt, be an artist (without art school!), and travel. Fortunately, we agree on some things! At this point I'd still kind of like to do respite care, and I do have my three sponsored children to care for, but anything permanent besides being married to my husband scares me right now.
Remember this quote from St. Theophan?
“Do whatever falls to your hands,in your circle and in your situation–and believe that this is and will be your true work;nothing more from you is expected.It is a great error to think that you mustundertake important and great labours,whether for heaven, or, as the progressives think,in order to make one’s contribution to humanity.That is not necessary at all. It is necessary onlyto do everything in accordance with the Lord’s commandments.Just exactly what is to be done? Nothing in particular,just that which presents itself to each oneaccording to the circumstances of his life,and which is demanded by the individual eventswith which each of us meets.”I still don't know if adoption will ever happen--I greatly prefer that the Lord just plop things in my lap rather than me seeking situations out. I wish life was just a little bit easier to sort out. I also wish this depression would end. These things take time.
I'll keep the adoption books, just in case. But I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be Chandler & Chris, World Travelers, in the course of my life. Okay by me.